Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

These are too funny not to post 😂

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

beware of dog
(jukin media)

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.