wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Beware of the dog..
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭