After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
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– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me when I hear gossip
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the