I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
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Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.