Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

based

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

I want what they have

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

found a horse’s reddit account