A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
making my dog give me my pills
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*