My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
You Might Also Like
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
car not found
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.