A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Erm I’m gonna say no
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh