Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
