My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
i wonder why they stopped looking
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
