My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
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Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked