when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
When he asks for feet pics
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken