Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food