Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.