Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

Oceanography is all about current events

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

#Caturday

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

Beware of the “party goblin”…

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you