Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
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Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.