there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
my favorite gender
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*