“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
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cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Duck typos.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
the council will decide your fate
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
