Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.