Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

Grow up never but we old may grow we

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.