Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

[eulogy]

line?

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.