Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun