I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
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ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR