Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
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My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
The symmetry is uncanny.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Time for evil
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends