“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
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First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
become ungovernable
True statement👍😏😁
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist