A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
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[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”