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Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what