Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

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