Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth