Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
You Might Also Like
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I’m literally crying
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Have a lovely day 😊
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.