I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Me when my alarm goes off
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.