Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”