I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Jupiter
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
That’s no pocket rocket.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon