Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

Y’all know who you are.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about