Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

In Russia, the cold complains about you.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

ㅤ

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.