Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.