Hilarious if literal: arms race
You Might Also Like
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.