I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
#polloftheday
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Expect the unexporcupine.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”