TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
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Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.