“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
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even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Not all heroes wear capes…
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I think this might be relevant today.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
