Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.