Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

For when Tinder doesn’t work

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

This could be us… but you playing

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.