Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what my late-night hot pocket sees

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine