Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.