Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.