Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
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I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.