Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*