Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

throat sock season is upon us.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.