-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Bring back the McRib
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
