Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

ㅤ

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro