These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
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I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
This could be us but you eatin’
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?