Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
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*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?